


if you loved me, why'd you leave me?

by mhawkridge



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Heavy Angst, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29706825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mhawkridge/pseuds/mhawkridge
Summary: regulus black wanted nothing to do with james potter.at least, that was what he'd told himself all his life.he'd never considered him a friend, or even a person he liked, really. to him, james potter was a nobody.until the day in regulus's fourth year when they finally met.
Relationships: Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Regulus Black/James Potter, Sirius Black & James Potter
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	1. like real people do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for mentions of abuse and intrusive thoughts.

if there was one thing that regulus black had learned, it was that his life had never gone as expected.

james potter was not the exception.

of course, regulus had known who he was before everything that had happened. it was bloody impossible not to, considering just how popular he was. he was a quidditch prodigy, a top student, a clever prankster, and someone who was admired and respected by both peers and teachers alike. they’d even faced off in quidditch a few times, though regulus had to admit that james was far more skilled than anyone on the slytherin team could ever dream to be. 

and, for some weird reason, girls went mad over james potter.

though he wasn’t a girl, he always thought to himself that he would never understand why. despite having top marks in every single class, he was a downright idiot, and didn’t know what was good for him. regulus wished to have one, just one, breakfast where a girl at his table didn’t bring up his name. it nearly drove him into insanity, because james was also his brother’s best friend.

before sirius had left for hogwarts in his first year, regulus had still had hope that maybe someday they’d run away from home together, maybe they would escape their family and live a normal life. while he was away, regulus had nearly lost his mind being stuck alone with his family for so long. yet, he tolerated every single thing that was thrown his way. for it was no secret that sirius hated their family, no secret that he wanted nothing to do with them. it was obvious that he would not be the black family heir, no matter what their parents tried to do. so the responsibility was thrown onto regulus to be the perfect one, the one who would carry on the black family traditions and the one who would inherit their family’s fortune someday. he had to be the good son, so that his brother wasn’t forced into something he didn’t want.

but then james potter had come along, and it had become clear that sirius hadn’t just grown to hate his parents, he had grown to hate his brother as well. when sirius returned home for the summer, things hadn’t been the same between the two. regulus spent an entire summer wondering why his brother had turned against him, wondering why everything had to change.

then, he’d arrived at king’s cross and everything made sense.

it was james potter, sirius’s best friend, that had changed him. james had turned him into someone completely different, nearly unrecognizable to regulus. it was all james’s fault that he’d lost his brother.

therefore, regulus always tried to avoid him. every year, he memorized james’s schedule, making sure that their paths would never cross in the corridors, purposefully taking the longer route if he knew there was a chance he could run into him. sometimes, facing him was inevitable, but for the most part regulus was just fine not ever running into him. or thinking about him. he didn’t want to think about the boy who had ruined his relationship with his brother, not ever.

but one day, the two boys finally ended up meeting.

it was the spring of regulus’s fourth year when it happened. he had elected to take two extra subjects instead of three, giving him an hour of free time in the middle of his day. he was currently using this hour to finish a book about magical creatures that he’d rented out in the library. everyone else found the subject boring, but he thought it interesting, really. he had settled down in a hallway just outside of the defense against the dark arts classroom, sitting against the wall as he read. then, he’d heard the sound of footsteps as someone came rushing up the stairs. it would’ve been easy to mistake the steps for a herd of elephants.

regulus looked over to see james potter, running as fast as he possibly could. confusion immediately clouded his mind. _huh?_ he was supposed to be in potions right now, something wasn’t right…

james spotted regulus, and he immediately skidded to a stop. regulus felt his throat tighten, wondering what the hell james potter could possibly want with him. his forehead glistened with sweat, his face bright red as he tried to get words out in between exasperated breaths.

“oh, hi regulus,” he said with a sense of causality, as though this were perfectly normal. as though they were friends. regulus almost rolled his eyes.

“hi,” he replied. just leave already, he begged in his head. but james didn’t leave.

“just wanted to warn you. there’s gonna be a swarm of owls flying down this hallway in about twenty seconds,” james said, putting his hands on his knees as he caught his breath again. regulus just shrugged, not having completely processed what james had said.

“okay.” he said. that had to be a joke. right?

“i’d be running right now if i were you,” james warned, hesitating for a second before continuing his sprint. after a moment of silence, regulus just shrugged, glancing back down to his book. suddenly, regulus heard the flapping of what must have been dozens of pairs of feathered wings. he was almost scared to ask how many. he glanced over at the stairway to see that james, in fact, had not been joking. he immediately dropped his book, getting up and sprinting after james faster than he even knew he was capable of. soon, he was by the boy’s side, running away from a mob of owls.

and then it happened. they had almost made it to the end of the hall when regulus tripped, stumbling down to the ground. he had expected james to keep running, but instead, he stopped, not even hesitating to grab onto regulus’s hand and pull him back up. the first thing he noticed was how close they were, but he didn’t even have time to ponder it before james had pulled him into an empty classroom at the end of the hall and slammed the door shut, protecting both of them.

finally, once they had both managed to catch their breath, james just glanced over to regulus and grinned.

“told you.”

regulus would always remember thinking in that moment that you had to be bloody mad to fall for an idiot like james potter.

• • •

they ended up meeting again later that week, this time in the astronomy tower. regulus had taken to making his way to the tower every time he couldn’t sleep, and tonight had been one of those nights. he was gazing down at the school grounds below him, his heart racing a mile a minute. he was thinking about what had happened earlier that day.

he had seen sirius wandering around the hallways, all by himself. regulus had seen his opportunity and seized it, not even thinking about what he was doing. he raced towards his brother, grabbing him by the arm before he even knew what was going on.

“sirius,” he’d started, unsure of what to say. there were so many words in his mouth, and so little time.

his brother turned around, surprised at the sudden contact. the two locked eyes, and regulus felt his stomach sink as he saw the look in his brother’s eye. it was guilt and anger and sorrow and hatred, and regulus couldn’t decide which one of those was the worst. “what is it, regulus?”

“..why?” regulus had finally said. “why did you leave me?” he managed to get out, his voice clearer now. he couldn’t tell if he was more furious or hurt. 

“regulus, you know i had no choice!” sirius said, his voice beginning to rise. despite being taller than his brother, regulus had never felt smaller in his life. “they nearly killed me!”

“no, that’s not what i meant,” regulus replied, his voice full of desperation. he had worded his question wrong, and he knew it already, he knew sirius was going to walk away from him at any second. “i meant… why did you leave without me?” he watched his brother’s face fall.

“i… i didn’t really think about you,” he said, now avoiding eye contact with him. regulus suddenly felt all of his hurt replaced with nothing but pure anger, and his hands clenched into fists.

“didn’t think about me?” he said, yelling now. the classes in session right now might’ve heard them, might’ve questioned what was going on, but he did not care. “sirius, we talked about running away together since we were kids! i wanted to escape them as badly as you did, and i still do! but when i woke up, you’d left, and you hadn’t so much as said goodbye to me. just left without a word!”

“i don’t know what you wanted me to do,” sirius said. “it’s not like they gave me a choice.”

“they may not have given you a choice, but you could’ve stopped and thought about someone besides yourself for once in your life,” regulus spat out. 

“i’m sorry,” sirius finally said, but he couldn’t tell if his brother was being sincere or not. regulus went quiet, not even sure what there was left to say at this point. after a moment’s silence, he spoke again. “i miss you, you know.”

regulus paused. he could’ve forgiven his brother in that moment, but then he thought about it more. he thought about the family his brother had left him behind with, thought about how his brother could care less about him, thought about how he’d been treated ever since he was 11.. and then he shook his head. “then you should’ve brought me with you.” he turned to leave without another word.

thinking about that interaction even hours later filled regulus’s heart with an ocean of emotions, and he felt as though he were drowning in them. he was lost at sea, trying to make his way back to a shore he wasn’t even sure existed. as he stared at the school down below him, he suddenly realized just how high above the ground he was. if he were to slip…

_just jump._

_what?_ regulus thought, his eyes widening at the thought that had just taken over his head. he tried to block out the thought, but it just became louder.

_jump. it’s not like you’ll be missed._

_no._ regulus clutched onto his ears, as though covering them could make the overwhelming thought go away. _no. i can’t do that. ___

____

_what exactly are you living for?_ the voice retorted. 

____

_well.._ regulus thought about it, but nothing surfaced in his mind.

____

_do it. it’ll be over before you know it._

____

he couldn’t ignore the voice anymore, for in his heart he knew that it was true. he knew he wouldn’t be missed, he knew that there was no point staying alive for a life that was already planned for him, he knew that it would be quick and painless. 

____

gripping onto the railing, he began to hoist himself up.

____

but he had barely gotten a leg over the railing when he was suddenly knocked down to the ground again, the wind knocked out of his chest. he looked around, panicked. he was almost certain that he had been alone. 

____

“sorry!” a voice called out. his eyes quickly darted around the room, trying to find the source of it. suddenly, a piece of cloth went flying through the air, landing on the ground beside him, and right in front of regulus stood james potter. “didn’t realize anyone else was in here.” regulus opened his mouth and began to scream, thinking surely this must be a hallucination. james was quick to crouch down and slap a hand over regulus’s mouth, his other hand grabbing the cloak and using it to cover up both of them. that was when it clicked in regulus’s head. it was an invisibility cloak. oh. he closed his mouth, embarrassed by the cry he had let out. every instinct in his body told him to pull the cloak off of james and get as far away from him as possible, but there was no way a teacher hadn’t heard regulus’s scream and he really wasn’t in the mood to get caught today. regulus did, however, grab james’s hand and move it away from his mouth. 

____

“sorry,” he mumbled.

____

james let out a quiet laugh in response, looking over at regulus. “it’s my fault, i shouldn’t have scared you.” the next second, they heard the creaking of the stairs below them, and the not so quiet footsteps of what had to have been a staff member. “we should get out of here,” he added. he didn’t even want to know what james had been doing in the astronomy tower. it usually meant marauders business, and that usually meant the involvement of his brother. 

____

they made their way over to the stairs, and james put his back against the wall as they began to make their way down. regulus was quick to do the same, assuming that james knew a lot about how to stay out of trouble in situations like this. he hoped that james couldn’t hear the pounding of his heart, in part because of how close james was to him and in part because he was terrified that he’d get in trouble. as they got down the stairs, they passed by filch, who looked bloody furious. regulus had to stifle a laugh, and he looked over to james. even in the dim light, he could make out the features of a soft smile on james’s face.

____

they made their ways down the halls of hogwarts in silence, both still worried that they might get caught. regulus wasn’t even sure where they were heading, but he found that he trusted james and allowed him to lead the way. 

____

eventually, regulus found that james had led them right back to the entrance to the slytherin dorms. he ripped the cloak off of both of them, and regulus could do nothing but stare at him. he realized that he didn’t want james to leave just yet. “james, i..” he said, at a loss for what to say. “thanks,” he finally said. james hadn’t known what regulus was about to do. he hadn’t known that he could’ve quite possibly just saved his life. but still, regulus found himself in the debt of james potter.

____

“don’t mention it,” james replied, smiling at regulus. regulus’s throat tightened again, the feeling from their first encounter making a swift return. “y’know, if you wanted to help me with that prank…”

____

“no,” regulus quickly said, shaking his head. he couldn’t bear the thought of being under that cloak with james again. james just shrugged.

____

“suit yourself,” he said, turning to leave. he took a couple of steps before he stopped, facing regulus again. “sirius doesn’t hate you, you know,” he suddenly said, his energy now completely different than it had been two seconds ago. something had changed, he just couldn’t place it. “he just doesn’t want to ruin anything for you. with the black family heir stuff n’ all.” regulus could do nothing but stare at him, his breathing becoming shallow as thoughts of his brother resurfaced. “goodnight, regulus.”

____

and with that, james potter threw his cloak back on, disappearing into the darkness of the hallway.

____

regulus had never been more confused by anyone in his life.

____

• • •

____

after that night, regulus stopped trying to avoid james.

____

as a matter of fact, he ended up doing quite the opposite. he began to walk through the halls where he knew james would be after class, just on the off chance that they might bump into each other and james would talk to him again. for the past several days, he couldn’t get their encounters off of his mind. he wasn’t sure why. all he knew was that he wanted them to keep happening.

____

god, regulus thought one day as he made his way to his potions class, i’m turning into my brother. at that point, it had been a full week since the incident in the astronomy tower, and the two’s paths hadn’t crossed since. he imagined that if he told sirius about all of this, he would never hear the end of it. if they’d ever talk again. 

____

as he stepped onto the final set of stairs that would lead him to his classroom, he suddenly felt the floor below him jerk. he gripped onto the railing, not in the mood to fall on his face, and realized the staircase was changing positions. he couldn’t help but groan to himself. great. now he’d have to loop back around and find a different way to his class, and he would surely be late. at least potions was with slughorn, the teacher who liked him the most. still, it was an inconvenience he could have avoided.

____

he began to make his way down the new hallway, wondering if he’d even been in this part of the school before. the staircases had switched up on him so many times by now that it was impossible to keep track. they need to make a better map of the school, or something, regulus thought as he tried to find the end of the hall. he was entirely alone here, the corridor seemingly deserted. one that documents all of the staircases. the map he had been given in first year hadn’t sufficed.

____

his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps in the distance. maybe the corridor was not so deserted. the sound came closer and closer, and regulus immediately recognized who the footsteps belonged to. as soon as he realized, none other than james potter turned the corner and ran down the hallway, his invisibility cloak in one hand and his wand in the other. what had he gotten himself into now? regulus wondered, nearly shaking his head in disbelief. james would never cease to amaze him with the amount of trouble he could cause. the second he spotted him, regulus immediately stiffened up. no, no, no. he was not going to get involved in this.

____

james seemingly thought differently, making a beeline for the younger boy. regulus was glued to the spot, not sure what to do. “regulus,” james begged, out of breath and looking crazed. “ _please_ cover for me.” 

____

he opened his mouth to object, but james disappeared before his eyes. then, professor mcgonagall rounded the corner, looking more furious than regulus had ever seen her. he was terrified to even think about what would happen to james if she caught him. as she caught sight of him, regulus thought his heart might stop right then and there. she might actually kill him.

____

“mr. black, have you seen james potter?” she asked, her voice uncharacteristically calm. he almost flinched, but looked her in the eye.

____

“yeah, i did,” he replied coolly, pointing in the direction where he had come from. “he went that way.”

____

“thank you, regulus,” she said, fixing her glasses before rushing off in pursuit of him. 

____

regulus waited a minute to make sure she was gone before turning around. “she’s gone, potter,” he said. a second later, james had shrugged the cloak off of his shoulders, looking far less terrified than he had just moments before.

____

“thanks,” he said. “i thought i’d never shake her off.”

____

“yeah, well, she looked like she might kill you,” regulus said, trying to resist the urge to smile. it was the first time he had ever seen james look genuinely terrified. “couldn’t have james potter dying on me.”

____

“she definitely would’ve killed me,” james agreed, grinning at regulus. “i got lucky.”

____

“what even happened, anyway?” regulus asked, feeling his cheeks grow warm as james stared at him. the hall was suddenly far hotter than it had been five minutes ago, he thought.

____

james’s entire face went red, and he began to scratch at the back of his head. “funny story, actually… i may or may not have turned snape into a snake.”

____

“you _what_?” regulus immediately said, his eyes widening. “why?” it wasn’t as though regulus was best friends with the boy, but he still knew that he wouldn’t hear the end of it from severus later in the common room. it often seemed snape’s favorite pastime was to complain.

____

“i told you, funny story,” james said, shrugging. then he saw the glare on regulus’s face and put his hands up in surrender. “alright, fine. so we were in transfiguration, and we share the class with mary macdonald, y’know, a muggleborn. and we were working on turning necklaces into snakes, because apparently transfiguring things into animals is going to be a part of our OWLs. and mary was having a hard time getting it, so snape said to one of his housemates that this was the exact reasons why, uh… muggleborns (from the way james said it, regulus immediately guessed that he’d used a different word) shouldn’t be allowed into hogwarts. well, mary heard him, and she didn’t care at first. but he kept making comments like that throughout the entire class, and by the very end of it she’d started crying. so i stood up and told snape to shut up, or he’d be sorry. he didn’t stop, so i turned him into the snake he is… honestly felt good, until mcgonagall realized what had happened and started yelling at me,” james finished his story. 

____

regulus could do nothing but stare for a few moments, before taking a deep breath and speaking. “what the actual fuck, potter?”

____

• • •

____

from that day on, regulus and james talking became somewhat of a regular thing. he wouldn’t exactly call it friendship; he wasn’t sure what this thing between him and james was. but a part of him was secretly thrilled when james would see him in the hallways and make his way over. being chosen by james felt special- it made _him_ feel special. for once, he felt like he wasn’t just being seen as the black family heir, as the side brother - james made him feel like himself again. maybe that was why he kept coming back to him, day after day. 

____

he never had to do much talking - james took care of it for him. and by god, that boy never knew how to shut up. regulus loved it. he loved listening to james talk, whether it was about owls or quidditch or home life or even bloody girls. he’d probably let james talk about anything, and if they hadn’t had class he assumed james would never stop.

____

one person in particular had noticed this shift in regulus and james’s relationship - sirius. every time james made his way over to regulus, his brother would usually be in the background, watching james leave. he never tried to follow, but his jealousy was written all over his facial expressions.

____

in the great hall one morning, this envy became particularly obvious.

____

regulus had been eating breakfast early, quidditch practice for the slytherins starting in about half an hour. he was one of the only ones in the hall, with the exception of a couple of hufflepuffs. honestly, he preferred the quiet of the early morning to the chaos of the afternoon. there was a sort of peace to it that was what had made him fall in love with hogwarts so many years ago.

____

of course, his peace was short-lived. five minutes later, just as regulus went to pour himself some tea, james and sirius entered the hall, sirius looking extremely irritable. regulus nearly snorted, knowing sirius had never been much of a morning person. “why are we here?” he complained, though he seemingly hadn’t noticed regulus yet. he was being rather loud for 6 in the morning.

____

“owls start in two weeks,” james replied, practically dragging sirius by the hand. “and i know damn well you haven’t studied much.”

____

“don’t need to,” sirius groaned, sitting down and grabbing a piece of toast. he poured himself an ungodly amount of coffee to go along with it, and regulus had to keep from gaping at his older brother. “you already know i’ll pass.”

____

“come on, don’t you wanna get top scores?” james persisted, elbowing him in the shoulder. sirius mumbled a quiet ow, though james paid no mind. “you haven’t been trying in school all year, padfoot.”

____

“yeah, well, i’ve been a bit occupied with the whole ‘getting kicked out of my house’ thing,” sirius suddenly snapped. the statement nearly made regulus flinch, the wound still fresh for both of them. the hall was quiet for a moment again, james obviously not knowing how to respond.

____

“sirius, look-“ james said, but sirius clearly wasn’t done. 

____

“you aren’t exactly helping with the situation. hanging out with my brother and all,” he said. regulus nearly dropped the fork in his hand, and it took every bit of his willpower to refrain from yelling at him.

____

“it isn’t like that-“ james said, once again being interrupted by sirius.

____

“don’t think i’m blind, do you, prongs? even _you_ prefer regulus to me,” sirius said, and regulus decided in a split second that he’d heard enough. 

____

he slammed his fork onto the table, getting up and storming out of the great hall. he didn’t look back to see if either of the boys noticed; he didn’t care. he was tired. tired of his brother making everything about himself, tired of being reminded of his family, tired of everything in his life always having to be so bloody complicated. even james was still a puzzle to him, and he wasn’t sure if it was one worth solving, not when sirius was the one getting in the way.

____

“regulus, wait!”

____

speak of the devil.

____

regulus turned around to see james potter rushing after him, though he couldn’t help but notice that sirius was nowhere in sight. good, he thought. i don’t want him anywhere near us. “what is it, james?” james attempted to brush the untidy hair out of his eyes, but in doing so he only messed up his hair more. a part of him wondered if james’s hair had ever been neatly kept in his life.

____

“i know you heard the stuff sirius said,” he said. “i just- you’re not a replacement for sirius, okay?” though james hadn’t quite said it, regulus understood what he meant. their bond wasn’t quite like his and sirius’s. it was different - something special, perhaps. something that james and sirius didn’t really have, and that regulus couldn’t explain if he tried. why it was like that, he didn’t know. but hearing the words made him feel much better.

____

“okay,” regulus said. “thanks.” and he meant it.

____

“of course,” james replied. “got quidditch practice this morning?”

____

“yup.”

____

“you’d better practice hard, we’re facing off on saturday,” james said with a grin. regulus rolled his eyes, though the corners of his lips curled upwards. 

____

“i’m not gonna go easy on you, potter,” he warned. james just laughed.

____

“as if.”

____

• • • 

____

and then it was nearly summer. regulus found himself dreading it, dreading the day he’d have to go back to his hell of a household. at school, he had teachers who cared about him. he had friends, and a quidditch team - and james. well, assuming they were still talking - they hadn’t spoken since last week, since the incident with snape in the courtyard. but he was trying his best not to think about it. especially now, the last day before the end of term tomorrow. 

____

he’d woken up feeling sick to his stomach, nerves having overtaken his entire body. he ended up not getting up for an hour after waking - he wanted to believe that maybe if he stayed there long enough, he wouldn’t ever have to leave. but this plan was ruined the second he heard his stomach rumbling, begging him to get up and eat something. so he made his way into the great hall, not even bothering to comb through his hair or change into nice clothes. an oversized t-shirt and a pair of jeans could suffice. he was aware that he looked a mess, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. he had other things to worry about, after all.

____

he wasn’t the only one who had gotten a late start to his morning. as he entered the hall, taking a seat at his usual table, he saw james and sirius sitting together as well. except something was different - wrong, even. they were further apart from each other than usual, neither attached at the hip for once. but as always, their blonde friend was sitting right next to james, either oblivious to the tension between the two friends or just not caring. the fourth friend that the group usually sat with - the tall, skinny one with messy brown hair - was nowhere in sight. regulus forced himself to look away from them, not daring to make eye contact with his brother. though he couldn’t help but wonder..

____

_was_ that _why james and i haven’t been talking?_ regulus thought as he made his way to the courtyard. before this week, they had taken to talking every single day, so _something_ had to have happened. he took a seat on the grass, his back leaning against a tree. it was foggy and cold outside, though he honestly didn’t mind. he preferred it to the blazing hot sun that had shone through yesterday. 

____

closing his eyes, he found that james had come to mind again. he often did nowadays, though regulus didn’t want to try and decipher what that could have meant. it did sting a little that james wasn’t talking to him - but if he and sirius, his best friend, were in some sort of argument, he supposed he could see the reason. still, it wasn’t as if regulus was his brother. the two were nothing alike, the only similarities between them being their appearance. was this argument between sirius and james so important that james couldn’t talk to him? regulus didn’t want to answer the question, because he definitely knew the answer. it still hurt.

____

_maybe if you talked to him and not the other way around…_

____

_no._ he couldn’t do that; he had no clue how to approach bloody _james potter_. and who was to say that he wouldn’t be ignored? unless james approached him first, they probably wouldn’t ever end up talking again. it wasn’t that regulus didn’t want to talk to him - he just had no idea how to.

____

oh well. for now, as he lay curled up underneath the shade of the tree, he just wanted to forget about everything. even if it was only for a few minutes..

____

when he opened his eyes again, his entire body ached. he wasn’t sure how long he had been there for, but it had begun to rain. droplets fell downwards towards the earth, resting on his hair and eyelashes as he looked up. someone was approaching him - but his vision was blurred, and he couldn’t see who it was until they were standing right in front of him.

____

he wasn’t surprised to see that it was james potter. who else?

____

“alright there, reg?” he said, offering a hand to him. his stomach nearly dropped at the nickname. he’d always hated when sirius had called him it, but regulus thought he might let james call him anything he pleased. 

____

“yeah, ‘m good,” he said as a mumbled response, grabbing the older boy’s hand and pulling himself up. “you?”

____

“been better,” james sighed, a hand coming up to the back of his head. 

____

“it’s my brother, isn’t it?” regulus said. james’s eyes widened in surprise, but regulus continued. james wasn’t the only one capable of figuring other people out. “i saw you two in the hall earlier.”

____

james could do nothing but nod. “yeah. he made a really stupid decision, and now he’s paying the price for it. regulus, as good of a friend as he is to me, he can be a real idiot sometimes.”

____

“you’re both idiots,” regulus said. he hadn’t thought about the response before it had come out of his mouth, though it really was true. “i saw the way you two were treating severus the other day.” he thought he saw james cringe, despite him trying to hide it.

____

“yeah, we were being real prats, weren’t we?” he said, not looking at regulus. “i honestly don’t know what i was thinking.”

____

“yeah, well, you had a _lot_ of nerve asking out a girl right after that display,” regulus said, but the memory almost made him grin. james may have been the smartest in the school, but it didn’t change the fact that he was the stupidest person there.

____

“hey, i saw the opportunity and took it,” james said, and he was frowning. “though we all know how that went,” he added in quietly. regulus knew the look on his face - the look of a fool in love.

____

“you really like her, don’t you?” he said. it was no secret that james was obsessed with lily evans, but regulus didn’t see why james was fighting a losing battle. it was clear that the girl didn’t reciprocate the feeling, clear that she never had. james had gone silent, and it was a few moments before he spoke again.

____

“i thought i did,” he said, shrugging. the response immediately threw regulus off. _what?_ how was he supposed to interpret what _that_ meant? of course, he wasn’t sure why he cared, but still. potter was practically _> obsessed_ with her. what could’ve changed? but just like that, james was back to normal as he looked at regulus. “ready for the summer holiday?”

____

he considered lying for a moment. but then he remembered this was james he was talking to, and he knew he could trust him. “no,” he admitted, glancing down to his shoes. “i don’t want to go back there. i already lost sirius. don’t want to lose you too.” he immediately saw james’s face soften.

____

“you don’t have to stay there,” he said. “we could-“ but regulus was already shaking his head.

____

“james, i can’t. they’ll be expecting me.” he couldn’t even bear to think of the consequences if he didn’t return home. he’d seen the way his mother had treated sirius - so terribly that he had left all of them without so much as a word. a part of regulus thought that sirius was glad to have been kicked out of the house, but he could never be sure with his older brother. sirius was forever the mystery.

____

“yeah. yeah, i understand,” james replied. regulus almost thought he saw disappointment on the other boy’s face, before he perked up again. “i’ll come visit you, then.” regulus was quick to shake his head again, fear filling his eyes.

____

“you can’t. my mother would kill you, james.” the older boy opened his mouth to interject, but ultimately came up with nothing and ended up closing his mouth again. finally, he responded.

____

“i’ll find a way,” he said, almost as though it were a declaration. regulus didn’t even try to interrupt him - when james wanted something, he usually got it. though he had no idea how he’d pull this off.

____

“i’m sure you will.”

____

• • • 

____

as regulus exited the hogwarts express the next day, he found he couldn’t stop thinking about james potter - the boy who wasn’t nearly half as bad as regulus had once thought.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, y'all! in honor of jegulus week on tiktok i decided to upload my three part jegulus one shot as a fic. part two coming soon! :)


	2. everything i wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's part 2 for you all! tw for mentions of abuse.

“...what the _fuck_ are you doing here?”

regulus had never thought he’d actually do it. one had to be mad to try to break into number 12 grimmauld place. then again: leave it to james potter to always get what he wanted. 

somehow, the boy had ended up on regulus’s bedroom floor. only seconds ago, regulus had been at his desk, getting a headstart on school work for the year. then, he’d heard the sound of something strange coming from the front door. his mom had heard it, too - “i could swear that was a deer!”, she’d said - and gone to check it out. regulus thought she had gone mad. a deer in london? they had a better chance of going to azkaban than they did spotting a wild animal on their front lawn. regulus didn’t complain, though. anything to get his mother to leave him alone.

his peace was short lived, of course. the next moment, he’d heard a tapping on his window, and before he could even examine it the window was being pulled up. over the ledge came none other than james potter. what had he been thinking? his room was on the fourth story of the house, it wasn’t as though it was an easy climb. he could’ve died trying to see him.

still, james simply shrugged. “i said i’d come visit you,” he said, approaching regulus. “i’m a man of my word, regulus.”

“you shouldn’t be here!” regulus said, taking a step back towards his door. his hand glided over the knob, just to make sure it was locked. “if my mother found out you were here, she’d-”

“she isn’t going to,” james shook his head. just then, they both heard the creaking of the stairs below them, someone approaching regulus’s bedroom. regulus gestured to the door, raising an eyebrow as he did so. james couldn’t reply without giving himself away, though regulus definitely saw his eyes widen. regulus just rolled his eyes and rushed over to his closet, sliding open the door and then waving towards him. he seemed to get the message, thank god, and ran right into the closet, pulling a coat of regulus’s over his head. why hadn’t he thought to bring his invisibility cloak? the idiot needed it more than ever right now. thankfully, regulus managed to hide james and unlock the door to his bedroom just as his mother went to open it. his chest tightened as he looked at her, though there was a smile on her face. this would either go well or horribly.

“regulus, you’ve just received a letter from hogwarts,” she said, handing the letter to him. regulus just shrugged, having received one every single year since he’d started attending the school. the crest on the front of the letter stung to look at. what he would give to be there right now, instead of trapped at home without his brother. still, he ripped the envelope open without much care, eager to see the contents inside. and to his surprise, a shiny silver badge fell right out.

his jaw nearly dropped to the floor as he laid eyes on it. a prefect badge.

regulus black was going to be a _prefect_.

at first, he thought dumbledore must have made a mistake, sent the letter to the wrong address. why would he be granted the privilege of becoming a prefect, out of all the students in slytherin? there _had_ to be someone else more qualified.

but then he read the letter disclosed, which stated that he had the “ambition, ability to aid others, and the resourcefulness slytherins have long been lauded for,” and thought he might pass out. so this was real.

of course, walburga was right behind him, reading the letter over his shoulder as though she didn’t trust him. once he folded the letter back up, he immediately passed it to his mom.

“what wonderful news, my dear regulus!” she exclaimed, putting a hand on his shoulder. he froze at the contact, surprised that she was showing love rather than hatred for once in her life. “we’re going to have to celebrate tomorrow, when your father and i return.”

“return? from where?” regulus asked. it wasn’t as though he was opposed to a night alone (or a night with james, if he pleased), but he hadn’t heard anything about his parents leaving.

“knockturn alley,” she said, and it was then that regulus saw that she was wearing an elaborate black dress, the one she always wore to meetings in which he was never allowed. “we’ve been called to an emergency meeting by the dark lord. lucius reckons it’ll go all night.”

regulus nodded, but he couldn’t help but feel a twinge of fear when she mentioned anything to do with the war. some days were so normal to the point where he’d forget the war was happening, and other days he could do nothing but think about the war. what worried him more than anything was his brother, on the opposite side and fighting for a cause regulus feared was lost. he knew his brother, he knew that sirius was reckless and would go down like a martyr if given the chance, he would lay his life down willing to fight for the things he believed in. regulus couldn’t bear to think about losing his brother, no matter how complicated their relationship. he’d always vowed ever since he was little that if he had the choice, he’d go before sirius. 

actually, regulus had been thinking a lot about the war in general. he’d grown up thinking he was on the right side of things, thinking that his family was doing good for the wizarding world… but now he had begun to doubt everything he’d ever known about the war. he’d seen the way muggleborns had been treated at school by the purebloods that previous year, the tension between the two groups worsening with the war. he had a feeling this year would be even more terrible. even on the way home, a muggleborn boy in hufflepuff had been attacked in the bathroom by a graduating slytherin. regulus didn’t know much about the attack, but had heard that the boy had been tortured with magic. it made him think back to when sirius would disobey their mom and they would disappear into sirius’s room for hours, walburga’s wand at the ready. regulus was never able to sleep much on those nights - sirius’s screams were far too loud. he’d lay in bed for hours, a pillow covering his head, silently praying that it could just all stop soon. eventually, it would, but that never made him feel much more at ease. sirius would always sneak into regulus’s room afterwards. he’d hug his younger brother, and assure him that he was okay, even if he looked so fragile that he might shatter. they’d stay up for hours, and sometimes they wouldn’t sleep. 

god. they used to be so close. regulus had recently come to realize that james had never been the one to tear them apart - it had been building up for years upon years. ever since that conversation at the dinner table where their mom had brought up muggleborns being allowed into hogwarts, and sirius had said that if they had the talent for hogwarts then there was no reason they shouldn’t be allowed. that had been around when the war was beginning; it had only gotten worse from there. ever since regulus was little, he had been told about blood purity and about how awful the ministry was and about how they were the only noble family left in the wizarding world. and he’d believed it, because those words had come from his parents - parents were supposed to be good, they were supposed to protect him and teach him right from wrong. 

but now he was older. and he’d come to realize that his family had never been good, that he and sirius had been raised on deceit and manipulation. he only wished he had known it sooner. more than anything, he wished he had left with sirius. but he feared he might be in too deep now, he feared what would happen if he tried to leave his parents. especially after sirius. a part of him thought that based off of the way they had treated him that summer, they might take him hostage and never let him escape. 

with all of these thoughts in mind, regulus could do nothing but nod at his mom. “okay,” he said. “celebrating can wait, then,” he said, though he hoped that they wouldn’t actually do anything for it. it wasn’t as though regulus had wanted to be a prefect, anyways. it was only another addition to walburga’s list of things that made her son perfect, and regulus was far from it. 

his mother beamed. “just know that your father and i are both so proud of you. our darling son.” she ruffled his hair, quickly kissing the top of his head.

regulus _hated_ when she called him that. he hated how she could act so kind and loving towards him one second, then become so cruel and unforgiving in the next. and he never knew which version of her would walk through his door. the only thing he could get out as she left was “bye, mum.”

and then the door shut, leaving him alone. another minute passed, and he heard the sound of his parents apparating away.

well. maybe he wasn’t so alone.

regulus was quick to open the door to the closet, letting james potter out. he had a sort of boyish grin on his face that made regulus’s face grow warm, and he opted to look at the ground instead.

when james spoke, his tone was full of pride. “told you she wouldn’t find out.”

• • •

somehow, they’d ended up in the middle of hyde park.

shortly after his parents had left, james and regulus made their way downstairs. regulus didn’t want to be there. it wasn’t as though he had something against james, but he’d been trapped in that house for a month too long and he couldn’t bear to be there a second more. so he’d immediately turned to james. “can we get out of here?”

and of course james had nodded, always eager to make others happy.

they’d managed to leave without any problem, the house disappearing behind them and leaving only numbers 11 and 13. then regulus froze.

“i don’t know where we’re going,” he admitted, looking over to james. james just shrugged, and regulus wondered if james had even had a plan. had he thought about any of this before deciding to do it? he had always been impulsive, but even this was a surprise to regulus. 

“we could go into central london?”

“how would we get there?” regulus said, raising an eyebrow. james looked at regulus as though _he_ were the mad one, despite the fact that james had literally scaled four stories worth of windows and risked death to see him.

“take the train!” james said, and regulus immediately began to shake his head.

“no,” he said. “there’s no way.” he wasn’t going to take a train filled with _muggles_ to a city full of nothing but them. but james elbowed him in the side, which hurt more than regulus would care to admit, and spoke again.

“come on, reg,” he said. “live a little.”

and of course he’d realized james was right, because he always was. regulus had been waiting for this moment the entire summer, a day where he was free to do whatever he wanted. why not spend it doing something he’d never get the chance to otherwise? so he’d let james take him to angel station, and watched as he paid for train fare in muggle money. regulus would never quite understand how it worked, but then again, he hadn’t been the one to take muggle studies.

the train itself had been something else. regulus had only ever been on the hogwarts express before, and this was a much different experience. from the way the train swayed much more violently to the gap in between the train and the platform, it had ultimately been much more nerve wracking for him. when the train had started moving, regulus had ended up having to cling onto james, stumbling backwards and taking the other boy with him. he’d fallen onto one of the seats behind them, and james had landed on his lap. regulus had never been more bright red in his life, apologizing profusely as he attempted to stand up again. once he’d managed to steady himself, the rest of the ride hadn’t been so bad. he could’ve done without the smell of the train and the crowds onboard, though. either way, he didn’t plan on admitting to james how much he’d actually enjoyed the experience.

they’d gotten off the train at knightsbridge, at around sunset. regulus had stepped outside of the station, and found that central london was one of the most incredible places he’d ever seen.

it didn’t matter to him that there was no magic here. the place itself was magical. every building, some old and some new, was brilliantly lit, shining brighter than anything in grimmauld place ever could. he’d lived in london for 15 years, and somehow had never known it could be this beautiful. up ahead, regulus could see where the buildings ended and a large, evergreen park began. his eyes landed on the park nearly immediately. it was taking everything in him not to gape at the sights around him, though james didn’t even have to look to know that regulus was amazed.

“beautiful, isn’t it?” james said, joining his side. “just goes to show that muggles don’t need magic to make life seem magical.” regulus was quiet for a moment more, before pointing to the park.

“can we go there?” he’d asked. james’s eyes had flickered over, though he seemed more occupied looking at regulus for whatever reason. 

“yeah, whatever you want,” he said earnestly. and that was where they had gone.

it was where they had been for the past few hours.

regulus knew it was nearing midnight, knew he ought to be heading back home soon, but couldn’t find it in himself to care. this was one of the best nights he’d had in his entire life, and didn’t he deserve to be happy for a change?

he’d spent all evening traveling the park with james, from the enormous willow trees to the gorgeous water fountains to the colorful flowers that lined their path. he’d even gone on a carousel, at james’s request - it was the strangest muggle contraption he’d ever seen, and he thought he might get sick. he’d had to grip onto the pole on which the horse stood the entire time, fearful that he might fall off if he hadn’t done so. james had reached out before the ride and squeezed his shoulder gently, and regulus had spent the entire duration of the ride thinking about it. thinking about the fact that james potter had touched him. that he’d snuck into central london with him. that he’d snuck into regulus’s house for him. he thought about it now, even as they stood underneath the shade of a willow tree that enshrouded them both from the outside world together.

they’d been here for the past hour, talking about the various things that came to their minds. talking about anything and _everything_ except for what was on both of their minds.

until finally, james was the one to bring it up.

“your mom’s probably still in that meeting, i s’ppose.”

regulus shrugged. he hadn’t been in the mood to talk about it. “i s’ppose so. ‘m just glad she didn’t force me to go with her.”

“do they talk about it with you a lot? the war, i mean.”

this was what they had both been poking around, and now regulus sighed. he knew he had to address it at some point, knew he couldn’t just keep running away from the problem. “all the bloody time. they want me to become a death eater ‘s soon as i can. even had lucius malfoy come visit me the other day, just to tell me that they’re awaiting my enlistment.”

“ _what_? hell, i’m sorry, reg.” then a moment of quiet. regulus knew james wanted to ask. “you’re not planning on taking up that offer, are you?” there it was.

“not if i can help it,” regulus replied, glancing at him. “i used to want it more than anything in the world - thought it would please my parents. but now - something’s changed. i don’t want it the way i used to.”

“what changed?”

one word placed itself in the front of his mind. _say it,_ his brain was begging him. but he ignored it, choosing his statement carefully. “i grew up, i guess. learnt the world isn’t as black and white as people want us to think it is.”

“i don’t understand,” james said, frowning slightly. he seemed more confused than anything. regulus nearly laughed.

“i mean, look at us, james,” he said. suddenly, the air seemed different between them, heavier, and he couldn’t explain why. that familiar feeling of his chest tightening returned as he spoke. “who’d have thought we’d turn out friends?”

and it was true - two families on opposite sides of the war, and their children ended up friends. (if they could call it that.) regulus wasn’t sure of how it happened, but all he knew was how thankful he was that they had become what they had. from their first meeting up until now. james nodded, understanding now.

“so that’s what we are?” james said after a second. he raised an eyebrow at regulus, and it suddenly occurred to him that the two had never called each other friends before. despite everything they’d done for one another.

“if that’s what you want to be,” regulus said, giving him a tiny smile. it must have been his first time smiling for james.

“deal,” james grinned. the two shook hands, and something passed between them. maybe a moment - regulus didn’t know. but still, it was something.

then james checked his watch, and his eyes immediately widened. regulus had never seen him look more fearful in his life.

“shit!” he yelled. “i was supposed to be back by 10! i‘m nearly two hours late!”

“don’t just stand there, let’s get back, then!” regulus exclaimed in response, already exiting the shade of the willow tree. they ran nearly the entire way back to knightsbridge.

after four months of knowing him, regulus still thought james was the biggest idiot he knew - just with different reason.

• • •

james potter did not know what was good for him.

a couple of weeks before school was due to start, he returned to the most noble and ancient house of black. his determination almost worried regulus - he could’ve gotten himself killed if he wasn’t careful. and he most certainly hadn’t been this time.

regulus had been in sirius’s old room when it had happened. over the summer, he’d developed a habit of studying and doing his homework in there. he would never admit it out loud, but doing so always made him feel closer to his brother. even if he wasn’t there anymore. he was just about to finish his book for arithmancy, and had suddenly been interrupted by the sound of one of the house elves screaming.

his heart had been pounding out of his chest as he’d run down the stairs, fearful of what could’ve happened. maybe it had just been a loud noise, maybe the house was under attack. it was impossible to tell with the war these days. but when he’d arrived in the living room, he was greeted with the sight of james potter standing in his fireplace.

a million thoughts came to his mind at once, and regulus could do nothing but stare. did he not know how reckless this was? did he just completely misjudge the danger of every situation, or only when it came to him? he was so incredibly lucky to be alive right now.

the only thing that had saved his skin was the fact that regulus’s parents had been away for the week, on business for the dark lord. if he had tried to pull that stunt when his family had been home… he couldn’t even think about that.

the house elf who had screamed was standing in the doorway of the living room, seemingly petrified. regulus addressed the elf, never breaking eye contact with james. “you are not to speak of this ever, to anyone in this family under any circumstance. do you understand?” she squeaked in reply before scurrying off, though regulus didn’t care much. he finally spoke to james.

“you’re back.”

“hi again,” james said. and he sounded so carefree, so casual, that regulus swore he could have punched him.

“what were you _thinking_ , james?” he said, his voice rising. “you could’ve been killed!”

“but i wasn’t,” james pointed out, which only made him more frustrated.

“you could’ve been.”

“but i wasn’t, was i?” he repeated, annoyance showing in his voice. “don’t see what the big deal is.” 

and that sent regulus over the edge. once he was thrown off the deep end, he was gone, taking james with him. “that’s not the bloody point, potter! the point is that you’re fucking reckless! imagine what would’ve happened if my parents had been home when you’d pulled that stunt. did you even think about that? do you ever think about _anything_ before you do it?” james’s eyes widened, and regulus realized this must have been the first time he’d ever yelled at him, especially to this extent. a few seconds later, he felt the twinge of guilt that always came after he snapped. it was quiet between them for a moment. “i’m sorry, i shouldn't've yelled,” he mumbled, finally breaking eye contact as he chose to stare at the floor instead. “it’s just- i’m worried that if you’re not careful enough, one day you’ll pay the price for it.” he’d probably worded that wrong, but the words had already come out of his mouth. the damage had been dealt.

another moment passed between them. james spoke again after what felt like forever. “yeah,” he said slowly, his usual golden boy grin gone. “you’re right. ‘m sorry, reg. should’ve thought more before coming here.”

at least he was admitting it. regulus just nodded, feeling helpless. a part of him thought that if they were the type of friends who got into more fights, he’d always end up forgiving him. “it’s fine. you’re here now,” he said.

“yeah, about that,” james said, smiling once more. good. things were already normal again, and regulus wouldn’t have it any other way. “you up for going into the city again?”

• • •

this time, they ended up in st james park. it was one of the most beautiful places regulus had ever been, even without magic. he was in love with every detail, from the bushes of flowers to the fountains to the lake to the creatures that roamed the gardens. not to mention it had been a beautiful day out, the sky above a beautiful bright blue.

regulus reckoned he could’ve spent forever in this moment. he made sure to take in everything around him as he walked: the shade of the trees above, the view of the grand lake, and the boy right beside him.

for most of their visit, he and james had walked in comfortable silence, taking in everything that there was to see. though he had to admit, something was off with james. he had spent a lot of the walk fidgeting with his hands, his confidence less prominent than usual. regulus wasn’t sure what was going on with him, but he didn’t mind. a part of him preferred the quiet to the chaos in his household.

when james finally spoke, they were standing at the edge of the lake. several hundred feet in front of them stood a palace so grand and large it nearly took regulus’s breath away. 

“that palace,” james said, pointing to it. “i want to live in it.”

regulus couldn’t help but laugh at that statement. “christ, potter, you’ve gone mad. don’t y’think the people living there would be bloody pissed if you tried to move in?”

“i was just saying,” james said, his nose wrinkling. “come on, you’re telling me you wouldn’t want to live there too?”

regulus shrugged in response. “i suppose i would. doesn’t the queen live there?” from his very limited muggle knowledge, he had guessed that they were looking at buckingham palace.

“yeah,” james said. “elizabeth the second, been the queen since 1952.” when regulus shot him an odd glance, he put his hands up in the air. “what? we learnt about the british government in muggle studies last year.”

“did you, now?” regulus said. he hadn’t been in the course, so he knew nothing about it.

“we did. did you know that the queen isn’t actually the head of government in england? it’s the prime minister.”

“what?”

“yeah, it’s weird, right?”

“what’s the point of the queen, then?” regulus asked. every day, he felt as though he understood less and less about muggles.

“dunno. but it makes me glad we only have one minister in the wizarding world,” james said, glancing around first to make sure they were alone.

“me too,” regulus said. even if their ministers weren’t the best, though he’d never admit that out loud to james.

“either way, it’d be cool to live there someday.”

“you’d have to become queen of england first,” regulus said, laughing. “come on, let’s go back this way.”

leave it to james potter to always be thinking about the future.

the truth was, regulus always tried to avoid thinking too much about his future. he couldn’t see himself past the age of 20, past the war at all, really.

over the last month, his parent’s efforts to turn him into a death eater had doubled. his mom sat by his bed before he turned in for the night every single day, trying to talk to him about it. “come on, you’ve wanted this since you were a child, what’s wrong with you?” she’d say. and regulus did not care. he’d learned over the years to tune out the sound of his mother’s voice, to only listen when it was necessary. he probably would’ve gone mad if he hadn’t learned to do so. still, his parent’s desperation grew with each day, to the point where it was beginning to scare regulus. each night, the same dream kept recurring to him - he’d return to hogwarts with the dark mark on his arm, and as he entered the great hall, every student stared at him, terrified. but worst of all had been james’s reaction - it wasn’t as though he ever yelled in the dreams, or got angry. but he always appeared disappointed, crestfallen, and the thought of disappointing him was one of regulus’s biggest fears.

_i’m glad we’re not doing boggarts this year_ , regulus thought to himself as he and james began to walk along the edge of the lake together. imagine explaining to your entire class why your boggart was james potter, _james fucking potter_ , saying that he had disappointed you. he’d never live it down.

at some point, james had started to walk in front of regulus, leading the way. he followed him, not thinking much of where they were headed. the sun had begun to set by now, and regulus knew they had to be heading back soon. but he didn’t want to. he wanted this day to last forever more than anything. so they walked until it was dark, well into the evening.

then regulus froze as he took in his surroundings for the first time. “james,” he said, turning to him. “where are we?” no one was in sight, the trees completely enshrouding both of them. where had james led him to now?

james took a moment to look around, not having paid much attention to their whereabouts either. “i don’t know,” he admitted, laughing. it was the first time all day where they had been truly alone - regulus suddenly felt his stomach twist into knots, though he wouldn’t be able to explain why if asked. james’s smile suddenly fell as he saw the look on regulus’s face. “but if you wanted to leave-” he started.

regulus was quick to shake his head. “no,” he said, and he meant it. he didn’t ever want to return to his house again if given the chance, but as of right now that wasn’t possible. still, regulus was determined to stay away for as long as he could. “it’s nice here,” he said.

he could’ve sworn that james had given him an odd look, but his smile quickly returned. “i agree,” he said, looking around. “this place is beautiful.” and it was the truest thing regulus had ever heard. standing by the edge of the lake with james, all alone, was becoming a memory that he didn’t think he’d ever forget. despite this, regulus raised an eyebrow at james, unable to miss the opportunity for a joke.

“and you’re not just saying that because it’s called st james?” he said, trying to resist the urge to smile. james laughed again.

“i’m not,” he said assuringly. “the name is just a bonus.”

“wow,” regulus said, finally grinning.

“what?”

he just laughed, looking james in the eye. “nothing.” a few moments of silence passed before regulus took a deep breath. he spoke again, deciding that he owed it to james to be truthful. “i don’t want to go back there, james.”

james’s entire face fell, confusion clouding his expression. “back where?”

“home,” regulus said. he was quiet for a moment more before speaking again. “i’m not sure if i can bear much more of it.”

the look on james’s face told regulus he wasn’t sure of how to respond, but regulus didn’t mind. at least he’d given up on trying to convince regulus to leave. during their last visit to london, james had spent a lot of time telling him that he wasn’t trapped there, that he could always come to james’s (“there’s a spare room, i’m sure mum won’t mind!” he’d said), and all it had done for regulus was make him angry. of course james didn’t understand - he hadn’t grown up like regulus and sirius had, he hadn’t experienced what he’d been through, he hadn’t been raised in the most ancient and noble house of black. 

and there was something else - regulus wasn’t brave. there was a reason his brother had been placed into gryffindor, and not him. ever since they were little, sirius had always been the one to stand up to their parents, always the one who took the punishments without fear. when they were younger, the two had envisioned a future where they left home together - but sirius had been the only one brave enough to make it happen. regulus was trapped not because he didn’t have a choice, but because his fear held him back from making it.

finally, james replied. “well then, we’ve got to make this night last.”

• • •

it must have been past midnight when james and regulus finally returned to number 12 grimmauld place. they would have gotten back faster, had it not started raining on their journey home. the two boys were both soaking wet now, though regulus didn’t find it in himself to care. he’d enjoyed himself so much that it was hard to think about anything else. 

they both stood on the step just outside of the front door, laughing, recounting an odd experience they’d had on the train back. “could you believe that man?” james said, shaking his head. 

“he was absolutely mental,” regulus said, and he thought his chest might explode from the amount that he had been laughing. “and i take divination lessons with professor trelawney.”

james was nearly in tears now, his laughs sounding like more of a wheeze. it hadn’t even been that funny, but it was so late in the night that anything could set the two of them off. once they managed to calm down, james smiled at him again. “god. we should do this more often.”

“what, sneak out into london together?” regulus replied. “we’ve already done it twice.” 

“yeah, and we can do it again,” james said, his brown eyes sparkling with excitement. regulus just shook his head, though the corners of his lips were curled upwards.

“don’t have much time,” regulus sighed. “we go back to school in a couple of weeks.”

“hmm, you’re right,” james said, and the expression on his face began to falter. then he just shrugged. “guess we’ll just have to do it again next summer.” regulus couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“‘course you’re already planning ahead,” he said. 

“well, it is what i do best,” james said. he wouldn’t have been surprised if it turned out james had already planned out his entire life. 

it was still pouring on both of them, but regulus found that he didn’t mind it much. he had always liked the rain, and he was convinced that nothing could’ve ruined his night. 

except for the fact that it was going to end.

regulus didn’t want it to be over just yet, he didn’t want to have to face his family ever again.. but he knew it was inevitable. at least it was only a couple more weeks. only a couple more weeks until he’d be with james again. he told himself that as he looked at james, feeling his heart pounding.

“i’ll miss you, james,” he said. no point in hiding it from him. he immediately watched james’s entire demeanor change, and he put a hand on regulus’s shoulder.

“me too, but hey,” james said. “it’s only two weeks.”

regulus gave him a tiny smile. “doesn’t mean i won’t miss you.”

“it’ll be okay,” james said, hesitantly taking his hand. and everything felt different. regulus felt as though he couldn’t breathe, looking at the boy in front of him. something was about to happen, he knew it, but when had things changed between them? he wasn’t sure what any of this was, and he didn’t know what he even wanted.

“promise?” regulus said, his voice barely a whisper.

“i promise,” james mumbled back. they were close together now, close enough to the point where regulus could see the raindrops falling onto james’s eyelashes. everything happened so fast within the next several seconds that regulus nearly didn’t process what was going on.

james’s hand suddenly let go of regulus’s, and at first he was disappointed. then james had put both of his hands on regulus’s waist, pulling him forward, and-

james was kissing him.

and for a moment, regulus forgot everything. he forgot about the world around them, forgot about the war, forgot about his family, as he kissed back with eagerness. _yes,_ he thought, using one of his hands to cup james’s cheek. _yes, yes, yes_. he hadn’t realized he had fallen for james until now, and it was a beautiful feeling to finally know. now he knew why he couldn’t breathe when he got close to him, why james had always been on his mind, why their bond had never quite felt like a friendship. this was everything regulus had always wanted, and he hadn’t known it.

but then he remembered that this couldn’t happen, that this was the 1970’s and that being queer was wrong, that he and james would never work. maybe in another lifetime, but not now, not when their paths couldn’t be any different. regulus pulled away, his eyes widening as he looked up at james. “james, we can’t-” he started, but the words hurt too much to say. of course the one thing he wanted in his life was something he couldn’t have.

then he saw the disappointment in james’s face, and thought his heart might break in half. “i’m sorry,” he said quickly. they were still close together, still holding onto each other as if it was their last night alive. "i shouldn't have done that."

and regulus realized in that moment that he didn’t care about anything else, nothing except for james. fuck everything else. fuck his pure and mighty mother, fuck the war, fuck how others felt about queers, fuck the fact that this was a terrible idea. against his instinct, he leaned in again, desperate to feel james’s lips on his once more. “you shouldn't be sorry,” regulus mumbled before kissing him again. james kissed back with just as much desperation, and that was all it took for regulus to change his mind. how could he say no when _james potter_ wanted him?

when they pulled away, neither of them could stop grinning. no matter where this might go in the future, no matter what ended up happening between them, he didn’t care. all that mattered was now. 

james just watched him, and he wondered if he could hear his heart beating out of his chest. “you’re smiling,” he said, and regulus felt his cheeks warm. “you should do it more often,” james said, nudging his shoulder with his hand. regulus couldn’t help but laugh.

“anything for you,” he said. he’d meant it to be a joke, but as the words came out of his mouth he knew that they were true. if james asked him, he’d probably turn the world upside down. he opened the door to his house finally, the task seeming a little more bearable now. “you sure you’ll be okay getting back?” james had decided not to use the fireplace to return this time - doing so once had been risky enough. instead, he planned to take regulus’s broom and fly back home. regulus had been hesitant to agree to it, thinking it was a bad idea - but james knew what he was doing on a broom. and he most definitely knew a thing or two about how not to get caught. 

“i’ll be fine,” james said firmly. “i know the way back.”

regulus nodded, turning around and pulling out his wand. “accio broom,” he said. it was the first chance he’d gotten to use his wand all summer - underage wizards weren’t supposed to use magic at home, but he didn’t want to leave james even if it was just for five seconds. besides, no one was around who would report him to the ministry. just moments later, the broom came flying into his hand. “this is goodbye, then,” he said, handing the broom to james. “james?” he said softly, not wanting everything to be over just yet. their eyes locked, regulus’s black eyes meeting james’s brown ones.

“yeah?”

“thank you. for everything.” maybe someday, he’d have the courage to tell james that he had once saved his life many nights ago, up in the astronomy tower.

“of course.” james quickly kissed him, it only lasting a moment. “i’ll see you soon,” he said once they had pulled away.

“see you,” regulus said, and he smiled again, just for james.

james mounted the broom, turning around to look at him one last time.

and then he took off, a lightning bolt against the sky, leaving regulus alone in the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part 3 will be up tomorrow morning :)


	3. take me back to the night we met

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final part! cw for implied sexual content, mentions of abuse, and a panic attack. this chapter isn't exactly the happiest, either. take care :)

coming back to school were as though regulus was trapped in a dream, one of the best ones of his life.

just seeing him from afar on the platform had nearly made his heart stop. there was james, beautiful as ever, his brown skin glowing against the sunlight of the afternoon as he waved his last goodbyes to his parents. their last visit had been surreal, and sometimes regulus wondered if it had ever happened at all or if it had just been a beautiful daydream. either way, a smile came to his face as he watched james. how was he the one to get so lucky, out of every other person in the world? being kissed by him once had been an honor, and regulus didn’t care if it never happened again - once would be enough to satisfy him for an entire lifetime. all those months ago, he’d used to think all of the girls in the school falling for james were mad. that must have made regulus the craziest person in the world, but he didn’t care. all that mattered was james, james and the night that he had decided to kiss him. it had only been two weeks ago, but regulus spent every passing moment thinking about it - thinking about their reunion. how would that go? would james pretend everything was normal, or would it happen again? if the latter occurred, regulus thought he might lose all self control and spend the rest of his life next to james, never letting him go. he had never been one to believe in fate, always the cynical one of his family, but somehow james had come to him when he’d needed it the most. despite every doubt in regulus’s head, every single ounce of reasoning as to why this wouldn’t work, every rational thought in his brain left him the second their eyes met. james alone was worth leaving behind the war for. if only it were that easy.

james offered him a smile. somehow, they’d found each other in that crowd of hundreds of people, and regulus couldn’t look away. all he could think of was james, telling him that he should smile more often. right as he went to do that, he was snapped out of the spell james put him under by his mother, putting a hand on his shoulder. it took everything within regulus not to flinch away at the contact, and instead he forced himself to stay still. he saw james’s eyes narrow, saw his foot move forward ever so slightly, and immediately shook his head. it wasn’t worth it.

“i’m so proud of you, dear,” she said, and she pulled him close, hugging him tightly. regulus didn’t know what to do. she’d never been this affectionate before, and was probably only doing it to put on a show for sirius. regulus hoped that wherever he was, he wasn’t watching - it would only twist their relationship further. yet another reminder of how sirius was the failure of the black family, though regulus had always thought he had been the most brave of them. once she let go of her hold on him, he took a step back, though he would’ve run away by now if that were an option. “go show hogwarts how a _true_ black behaves.”

it took everything in regulus not to scream at his mother, only because once he started screaming, he wouldn’t stop. he’d yell at her for everything - all of the screaming and the fighting and the years he couldn’t take back, all of the terrible things she had put her own child through while regulus could only watch. instead, he nodded, trying to keep as straight of a face as possible. he boarded the train without so much as another word to her.

between her and the war and the situation with james, he had no idea what the school year was going to be like.

• • •

“so,” james gazed down at regulus through his glasses as they stood outside the door to the prefect’s carriage, “hi.”

the moment regulus had been waiting for, the moment where they finally saw each other again and didn’t have anything to hide, had finally come, and regulus wasn’t sure what to do now. all he could do was meet james’s gaze, his arms crossed as he looked up at the taller boy, and hope that the kiss they’d shared had meant the same thing to both of them. 

for regulus, it had been a sense of clarity at a point in his life where the world around him was spiraling into nonsense. he might not have had much else, but he had his feelings for james, and that was one of the only truths in his life. it had taken him a while to realize - up until that night in grimmauld place regulus hadn’t known of his feelings. but he supposed he should’ve. then again, he had never been in love before. he had always just assumed that was something in life that would be given to him, whether he liked it or not. ever since he was little, he’d been told who he was going to marry - a pureblood woman. it had been repeated to him so many times by his mother and father alike that the phrase had stuck itself in his brain. so he’d never allowed himself to think about romance, never sparing it a second thought. while other people his age dated and shagged and kissed and broke up, he paid it no mind.

when he and james had met, regulus hadn’t thought much of him. he’d only known that this was the boy sirius had chosen over him. one of the first things he’d noticed during their first encounter was that he was everything regulus was not. handsome, happy, brave, confident, funny… _good._ they were nothing alike, and in that moment regulus had understood sirius’s choice.

he supposed he had fallen for james over time, and that he hadn’t noticed it because he had never had a friend like him before. never before had a friend cared about him as much as james did, never before had someone understood him in the way that james had. sometimes, their moments of silence meant more than their words, which was ironic considering that james never knew how to stop talking. in the few moments when they’d make contact with each other, regulus had found himself spending weeks thinking about it and wondering why he couldn’t get bloody james potter off of his mind. when he’d heard that james had asked lily out at the end of term, he’d remembered feeling like he was going to be sick, and he’d rushed to his dorm without another word. at the time, he had blamed it on the hot temperature outside, but maybe it had been more than that. maybe it was because he’d wanted more, and didn’t know it.

then over summer, regulus remembered the pure terror he’d felt seeing james in his room for the first time. his first thought was of how he couldn’t lose james, how he couldn’t lose the only good thing left for him. the nights in the park should’ve been his biggest hint - as they’d walked, regulus had wanted nothing more than to take his hand and pull him underneath the branches of the nearest tree, hiding them from the rest of the world. he hadn’t understood where the urge had come from.

but then james kissed him, and everything felt right. he had known it all immediately - known that he would risk everything for this. it was a dangerous thought, and a true one. regulus didn’t know which one was worse.

in the present moment, however, regulus wondered if james would ever do it again. “hi,” he replied, trying to hide the shaking in his voice.

james gave him a grin and laughed, throwing an arm around the smaller boy. and everything was fine again. everything was normal. “come on, let’s go find a compartment,” he said, and as they walked regulus put an arm around him that went up to his waist. _thank god no one else is around_ , regulus thought as he watched james slide open a door to an empty compartment while still using one arm to hold him. _imagine explaining this to sirius_. he nearly laughed at the thought of that, the thought of the look on his brother’s face when he realized that james and regulus had become so close. when they both sat down, regulus took the seat closest to the window. neither he or james talked much, and regulus wondered if james was just thinking or if he was trying to avoid what must have been on both of their minds. either way, he was relieved when james finally spoke again.

“how were the last two weeks?” he said. regulus could do nothing but shrug.

“terrible,” he replied. “i hated every second.” and it was true. it was terrible to be without james, but it was more terrible to be reminded of the war every chance his parents got. it was a harsh reminder to him that he couldn’t live in this dream world of his forever, that eventually he had to wake up.

james frowned. “i’m sorry,” he said softly, putting one hand on regulus’s leg in a comforting sort of gesture. regulus took that hand in his and squeezed it, meeting the other boy’s eyes.

“i missed you,” he said, nearly in a whisper. there it was again, that vulnerability that only james could bring out in him. the air around them became heavy as james suddenly leaned in towards him, and regulus did the same.

just then, the door to the compartment began to creak and regulus had never jumped away from someone faster in his entire life, his heart pounding. how could he have been that careless? thankfully, the door moved slowly enough so that whoever was on the other side hadn’t seen anything. and regulus froze completely when he saw who it was.

“prongs, there you are!” sirius said, grinning at his best friend. he hadn’t noticed regulus yet, who was determined to stare out the window for as long as possible. “come sit with us, we saved a-“ he stopped dead in the middle of his sentence, and that was when regulus knew he’d seen him. regulus forced himself to take a deep breath as he turned his head to look at his brother. _it’s okay_ , he had to remind himself. _it’s not his fault for leaving you. it’s your fault for not following him._

but when he saw the look on his brother’s face, he thought his heart could’ve shattered. sirius had always been one to get jealous easily, but this wasn’t just jealousy.. there was anger there too. he almost couldn’t bear the sight of sirius, and soon he was storming away. regulus felt lost as he watched his brother leave, unable to do anything about it. and then james left too, rushing after his best friend. regulus wasn’t sure which hurt more - watching sirius leave, or james following. of course he was the second choice, of course. he shouldn’t have ever expected something else. he barely knew james, after all. there was no reason for him to have thought that something about him was different. hell, maybe james snogged everyone he was close with - regulus wouldn’t be the one to know.

james and sirius were talking now, and regulus could hear every word.

“the fuck do you think you’re playing at, prongs?” sirius said, nearly yelling.

“i don’t see what the problem is,” james said, always able to keep his cool. 

“that’s my- that’s _regulus black_!” sirius said. and god, it hurt regulus that he talked about him as though he were a stranger. what had he done wrong? “we’re in a war _against_ people like him, in case you forgot.”

he wanted to scream. he wanted to hex someone, he wanted to punch something, he wanted to do anything but hear the words that had just come out of his brother’s mouth. _people like him_. his chest stung, his entire body ached, and he felt himself slumping against his seat, wanting the world to stop, just wanting everything around him to go away. he couldn’t do this. he couldn’t. everything needed to end.

“reg isn’t like that, padfoot!” james said, his voice rising. “though you’d be the last person to know,” he said, and regulus didn’t ever think he’d heard the boy angrier in his entire life.

“how do you know?” sirius retorted. “how do you know he isn’t hiding the dark mark under his sleeve? how do you know he isn’t using you? how do you know you can trust him?”

“he’s my friend, sirius,” james replied, and regulus felt dizzy. he wasn’t sure if anything he was hearing could be trusted anymore.

“he’s a black!”

“oh, and you’re not?”

“ _he’s_ different,” sirius said.

and then james was yelling. “shut up, you git! i’m so fucking sick of this!”

“of what, james?” sirius screamed back.

“you and your bloody pride! you love to act like you’re so much better than him, so much better than the rest of your family, even though you left your own brother behind to that monstrosity of a household and don’t seem to give two flying fucks!”

and then it was quiet. regulus buried his face in his hands, thinking he might faint. his breaths were getting shakier and shakier, and he couldn’t focus on anything.

“take that back, james,” sirius finally said, and regulus could hear the strain in his voice. “take it back.”

“i know _you_ don’t care, sirius,” james continued, as though he had not heard him, “but he needs someone more than ever right now. not like you’re going to be there for him.”

regulus couldn’t stand it anymore, he got up and stormed out of the compartment without a word to either of the boys standing outside of the door. he ran as fast as his feet could carry him to the bathroom, wanting to get away from it all.

as he shut the door behind him, he realized just how small of a space it was. it was tight, too tight, and regulus felt as though his brain were becoming cloudy. he couldn’t do anything properly. he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think straight, couldn’t speak. he didn’t cry, exactly - sirius had always been the more emotional out of the two - but he gripped onto the sink so hard his knuckles turned white, attempting to get a grip on the world around him.

god. why couldn’t he just have sirius back? this version of him was one that he’d grown to hate more than anything. he wanted the sirius back who used to comfort him after nights of torment from their mother, who used to chase him around with a stick in the park and pretend it was a wand, who was happiest when he was with reg. everything had changed between them, and the damage had been done. it was too late to salvage the broken pieces of the bond that had once been. and he hated it. he hated it more than anything in the world.

• • •

he wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there. everything had felt like a blur after that moment in the bathroom to him, speeding by so quickly that he had to stop and wonder if he was really there at all. but now he was in his dorm at hogwarts again, and as he settled down onto his bed he finally allowed himself to take a deep breath. good. everything was as it should be again, and a sense of normalcy finally overcame him as he let himself close his eyes. 

and then it was morning. he’d fallen asleep without meaning to, but he woke up feeling much better than he had the night before. though he supposed that was a low bar.

breakfast in the great hall was the same as always, regulus eating by himself while listening to the conversations taking place around him. except…

james. 

the boy wouldn’t stop staring at him throughout the entire meal, and regulus knew that the second he left james would follow. and he wasn’t in the mood. especially after seeing how he and sirius seemed perfectly fine again, acting the same as always.

and of course regulus had been right. as he’d left the great hall, he’d noticed someone lingering far behind him, trying to seem subtle but failing miserably.

regulus tried everything to shake off the boy. he couldn’t go back to the dungeons - james would just wait outside until he left. so he’d gone up and down various flights of stairs, through several hallways, taken numerous misleading turns, and done everything that he thought there was to be done. but somehow, james would always follow. it was almost creepy how james seemed to know his exact location, but he didn’t question it. he was more occupied questioning why the prat couldn’t just leave him alone.

before he knew it, he was on the seventh floor of the school, pacing back and forth. what was he supposed to do now? the boy would always follow him, bloody maniac. _i need a place to hide_ , he thought as he paced. _somewhere he’ll never find me_.

and then a door appeared to his left, perfectly on queue. _oh. that could work._

just as regulus was about to entire the room of requirement, however, james had taken his hand from behind him. he opened the door for both of them, shoving them in together and then closing the door behind them. regulus’s back was to the door as james began to talk, still out of breath. at least chasing him had been no easy task. “leave me alone,” regulus started, already attempting to leave.

“regulus, please listen to me,” james said. but regulus didn’t want to hear it, he couldn’t hear it. he couldn’t think about sirius right now without being sent into a panic again. 

“about what? gonna apologize on behalf of my brother?” he snapped.

“no, i- look, i’m really sorry i talked to him. should’ve just stayed with you, would’ve saved me a lot of trouble.”

was that it? was that all he’d wanted to talk about? regulus’s eyes narrowed as he studied him. “i don’t want you to talk about me like that ever again, potter.”

james’s face fell, and it was obvious james had expected a much different reaction. “what?”

“you said that i needed someone more than ever right now, that that was why you were there for me. i’m not your fucking charity chase!” regulus said. and god, those words felt good to finally be able to say. he wasn’t a broken object for james to fix, he was himself. and that should have been enough for him.

“reg,” james finally said, mumbling. the next sentence he spoke was clearer. “reg, that’s not how i think about you.”

“then why’d you say it?”

“because i wanted sirius to shut up,” he admitted. “and i knew that would get him to stop talking.i just wanted to get back to you, but you were gone.”

regulus’s entire face fell as he heard that, and he knew in that moment that he owed it to james to be honest about everything. “something’s wrong with me, james,” he said, voice nearly in a whisper. “i don’t know what’s happening to me.”

he saw the look of confusion on james’s face. “what?”

and then it all came pouring out. “i can’t stop thinking about it.. the night you kissed me,” he said, his cheeks growing red. “it’s all that’s been on my mind. i didn’t know what to make of it. and-and hearing you talk to sirius about me like that, as though i was just a friend, nothing more, hurt. i just- why did you have to do it?”

that was when james finally understood, and he took both of the smaller boy’s hands in his. “i wouldn’t have done it if i hadn’t had feelings for you,” he said softly.

for the first time in weeks, reality hit regulus. and it hit hard. “you shouldn’t have. we can’t do this, james.” it hurt to say, but he knew it was the truth, knew this was the reality they were in. maybe in another life it was meant to be, but not here, not now.

“why not?” james said.

“because,” regulus said, shaking his head sadly, “it won’t work. you’re james, and i’m regulus.” james was perfectly imperfect in every way possible, a daydreamer who acted upon his heart and not his brain. the war was looming above their heads, and regulus knew that when the time was right james would join the fight against the dark lord, the very fight regulus was being forced into.

“reg,” james said, their eyes meeting. “we may be going down two different paths, we may be two different people, but this is at least worth a shot. hell, maybe it isn’t meant to be. but we won’t know until we try, right?”

and as he looked into those eyes, those bloody perfect eyes, regulus knew that he’d never get a chance to love like this again, he knew that he would fight like hell to keep this boy in his life. maybe that made them both madmen, but he didn’t care. he’d fight for this one chance as hard as he could.

“okay,” he replied.

okay. they’d try this.

• • •

they had to keep it a secret, of course - neither of them could bear to think about the consequences if someone found out. still, not a second went by where regulus didn’t think about after hours, didn’t think about what would happen when the lights shut off and the others fell asleep. his days were filled with longing in the morning, loving in the night. every time was different, but a part of regulus secretly loved it; the excitement and the thrills of it all were enough to keep him content with where they were in their relationship, if they could even call it that.

truth be told, regulus was still terrified of a lot of things. he was terrified of the war, terrified of his family, terrified of joining the dark lord. yet nothing frightened him more than declaring whatever this was between him and james official. he’d known of his feelings for james for a while now, but that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t supposed to have them in the first place. he knew exactly how his family felt about queers - _“c’est honteux, regulus!”_ \- and knew that he’d lose everything if they knew the truth about him. it was a fear that always lived in his brain, causing him to be on edge and paranoid. even when he and james were alone, bodies pressed up against each other as their lips fiercely made contact, he still found himself scared. it was a constant war with himself.

_they won’t find out_ , he’d tell himself as james closed the door behind them, looking him up and down with eagerness as they found themselves alone. regulus would always do the same - how could he not, when the boy in front of him was practically a masterpiece?

_but what if they do?_ he’d wonder, causing him to hesitate for just a moment.

then james would grab his waist and pull him close, usually mumbling something into his ear as he did so. and regulus would forget everything else as he leaned up to kiss him, knowing he’d never get tired of this.

_they won’t._

he never let it get further than kissing, because that too was a distressing thought to him. his body was too small, and he was too awkward and inexperienced and scared to try it out for the first time. they touched a lot, of course, but the second it became all too much for regulus he’d pull away and they’d stop.

it didn’t help that he still secretly didn’t think any of this was real, still thought that this was just a cruel trick of his mind. if he let him and james get too far, he thought it would all just hurt more in the end. so, at least for now, it was best to avoid it. 

at least james didn’t mind the state of their relationship. he didn’t mind that regulus didn’t want to do anything too risky, he didn’t mind that it wasn’t exactly official, he didn’t mind that regulus was scared. all he cared about was having him, and that was enough.

sometimes he thought that james potter was too good for the world.

regulus was in the wrong, and he knew that. he knew that he had to talk to james about the state of their relationship before it was too late, before james gave up on him, but it was just so bloody _overwhelming_. he’d get around to it eventually; he just had to be sure to wait for the right time.

then october 30th of 1976 came around, and it had changed everything.

it had started out a normal friday, as far as fridays went. regulus had woken up later than usual to find his dormmates missing, and had quickly gotten dressed in an effort to eat breakfast and not miss the beginning of class. he’d rushed down to the great hall within minutes of waking up, using his fingers in place of a brush as he ran. today was going to be a good day, he told himself. he’d do well in that transfiguration test, perfect his silencing charm, check up on that potion, and then he’d see james later in the evening. it would all be worth it.

then he’d arrived, and his whole world had been torn upside down.

it felt like every single student in the hall was talking at once, the chatter so loud that regulus could hear it from hundreds of feet away as he approached the door. as he’d opened the door, half of the voices suddenly went quiet. he could feel eyes from every direction staring into him as though he’d done something horrid, and regulus’s stomach twisted into knots as he thought about him and james. _no. no. no. that’s impossible._ he was sure they’d been more careful than that, he was sure that they’d been safer.

but then his eyes caught james’s, and the look on james’s face, just as confused, told him that it hadn’t been that. no one had found out about the two of them, and their secret was safe. either way, regulus tried his best to hold his head up high as he walked to his seat, hoping no one could see the way his hands shook. as he took a seat next to severus, he noticed a copy of the daily prophet in his hands. “what’s going on?” regulus asked, and without thinking he leaned over to read the headline in big, bold letters. one second later, he found himself wishing he hadn’t.

**_“MUGGLEBORN FAMILY DEAD: DARK MARK CAST ABOVE HOUSE”_ **

_no_ , he thought. _an entire family, gone?_ his family had always taught him to uphold the values of blood supremacy, but he'd never once imagined that the dark lord would turn to murder. _he'd_ never wanted to murder, and yet, that was exactly what the dark lord had done.

but it was the picture and caption shown below that made his heart nearly stop, that made him want to curl up into a corner and hide until everyone had gone.

there she was on the front page, any trace of sanity she had left having disappeared, and regulus thought her photograph appeared to be laughing at him.

**_“SUSPECT IDENTIFIED: BELLATRIX BLACK”_ **

his own cousin had done it.

and now it all made sense: the stares, the chattering, the sounds of terror coming from the other students. all of it.

looking back at it all, that was the moment when the reality of everything had hit him. the war was always destined to happen, of course; a conflict so big always spends years underneath the surface, building itself up so that it is strong and ruthless when it reaches ground level. but he had never expected it to get so bad. not even hogwarts was safe anymore, hogwarts, his _home_.

the rest of a day passed by like a blur: classes were cancelled, of course, and most students attempted to take advantage of the free day, despite the reason for classes being cancelled. but not regulus. regulus just wanted everything to stop.

he needed a distraction.

that night, when james entered the room of requirement, the usual doubts that filled regulus’s mind were gone. instead, they had been replaced by desire, replaced by a need to forget everything else except for james. 

“reg, do you wanna-” he’d started, but before he had a chance to finish regulus had already kissed him, pushing him backwards so that he was against the door. james let out a surprised gasp into regulus’s lips, but didn’t object as regulus pulled their bodies close together. he could sense how stunned james was, yet he couldn’t find it in himself to explain his sudden change of heart. hell, he was done with everything else, why couldn’t he have a little fun?

he pulled away for just a moment, letting his hand trail down james’s shirt as he looked into the other boy’s eyes. he could get lost in that sea of brown for years and years if he wanted to, he was sure. “i need this,” regulus said, his voice a shaky whisper. he wondered if james felt how much he was trembling right now, if he knew just how nervous he made him.

james’s eyes narrowed in concern, as though he couldn’t believe the words he was hearing. “hell, you sure you want this, reg?”

“yes,” regulus said as he looked up at him, his voice louder now but still shaking slightly. with one quaking hand, he tugged at the collar of james’s shirt. “more than anything in the world.”

for a moment, everything around them was still.

“okay,” james mumbled back, nodding. “okay. we’ll do this.”

and so they did. regulus had never experienced anything like it before, and wasn’t sure he ever would again. he’d barely needed to think about any of it, just running his hands up and down the other boy’s body wherever he felt was right. somehow, touching james had felt natural to him; as though it was something he’d always need in his life, he’d just never known it. it was over as quickly as it had begun, but in those moments it had lasted, it was perfect.

in the next couple of years, regulus still wasn’t sure what exactly had come over him then. all he knew was that he’d needed an escape, and so he’d escaped everything the only way he knew how to - through james.

in the moments after, regulus was leaning his head against james’s bare chest for a few seconds more, panting heavily as he tried to get a grip on what he’d just done. he couldn’t believe that he had been terrified of this, not when it had been so amazing and felt so right.

and finally, james spoke, breaking the silence between them. “you doing okay?”

regulus grinned, though james couldn’t see it. “i’m good, yeah. you?”

“never better,” james said, and they both laughed, neither of them able to help it. after a while, regulus spoke again.

“i’m sorry.”

“for what?” james said. regulus could practically hear him frowning by this point.

“for… dunno. not treating this relationship like it matters, i guess? i just- i don’t know what to do.”

“what do you mean?”

and then regulus couldn’t keep quiet about it any longer, the truth bursting out of him. “i want to make this official, james.” and then he looked up at james with wide eyes, wondering if he’d make a mistake by saying that.

but then james took his hand in his, and regulus could see the smile on his face. “if you want it to be official, then consider it done.”

regulus wanted to slap himself for not knowing just how easy that would’ve been to ask weeks ago.

“thank you. ...james?”

“yeah?”

and then words came out of regulus that he’d not said in years, words that he never truly said unless he meant them. 

“...i love you.”

“i love you too.”

it was his first time saying it to james, and he hoped that he’d get to say it a million times more before the world caved in.

• • •

his happiness didn’t last long - it never did. the war continued to worsen around them, and even regulus couldn’t ignore it much longer. it was getting harder and harder to pretend as though nothing was wrong, as though the two of them would be okay. every day, there was news of another attack, one more innocent life taken away that invoked terror in the students of hogwarts. and no student felt hit harder by the news of the war than regulus.

he’d felt the stares on him as he made his way to breakfast, heard the whispers in the hallways, saw the classmates who used to sit next to him move one chair away, and he was powerless against them. after all, he was a black - who said that he could be trusted? all of it stung more than he cared to admit, but at least there was one person who kept him sane through everything. james.

they didn’t have the time to see each other as often anymore, but when they did it was beautiful. it was the one perfect thing in regulus’s imperfect life, and if he lost everything else he prayed that he wouldn’t lose james too. he spent every week thinking about their time together, wondering when he could next see him. he’d learnt to just ignore all of the comments from sirius that he’d overhear, knowing that his brother had always had a flair for the dramatic. _he’s just jealous_ , regulus told himself. _he thinks james is replacing him, and so he’s taking it out on me._

let him think that, for all he cared. sirius didn’t know the true nature of their relationship, and he preferred to keep it that way. if he found out, regulus imagined all hell would break loose, and he certainly didn’t want to be there when that happened. though that wouldn’t be very hard; it wasn't like sirius talked to him anymore. if only regulus could be braver, if he could just talk to him first...

but it was impossible. he and sirius were heading down two very different paths, and regulus feared that he was in too deep now to back out. still, what he would give for one last chance to talk to his brother.

there was a more pressing issue to worry about, anyways - the war. for so long, regulus had managed to avoid doing anything about it, instead pretending as though it wasn’t happening at all. but he knew he’d have no choice soon, knew that he’d soon have no option but to fight for the very thing he was coming to despise. he was terrified even thinking about it. every death eater attack scared him more and more, knowing that he’d soon be amongst those attacking whether he liked it or not. he tried everything to push that thought out of his brain, but it became impossible. 

and around the beginning of december, he was thrown right into the midst of it all.

he had been out on the quidditch fields that day, in the middle of a practice. it had been the most intense one yet, seeing as they’d been destroyed by ravenclaw in the last match and needed to throw everything they had at the gryffindor team in order to ensure that they competed in the cup. regulus had a newfound appreciation for his role as seeker - it certainly wasn’t as hard as being a chaser or a keeper. still, he should’ve waited to attempt to catch the snitch in the last round - they’d been losing by 160 points when he’d caught it, and that mistake had cost them the entire game. either way, he wouldn’t do it again.

he was positioned up higher than the rest of the team, on the lookout for the snitch as he watched them skirmish. and then he’d caught it, out of the corner of his eye - someone was watching him.

he’d looked down at the grounds to see lucius malfoy studying him, noticing his every move. if he hadn’t been so confused, he was sure he would’ve fainted. he’d graduated hogwarts several years ago, what was he doing here? then the golden snitch buzzed right by regulus’s ear, and regulus snapped out of his fear. he whipped his broom around to see it just inches away from him, and he set off for it, a rocket soaring through the sky. he’d never get tired of this feeling, and he allowed himself to forget about lucius.

just like that practice was over, and as regulus hung up his quidditch robes he felt the same pair of eyes on him again. he froze in place, unsure he could move even if he wanted to. he was sure lucius had been here for other reasons - what did he want from _him_?

“regulus black,” he said, loud and clear. regulus could hear the bloody pride in his voice. “we’ve met before.”

regulus turned around, still terrified but trying to hide it. he rolled his shoulders back, straightening himself out as he held his head up high. “whatever it is you want from me, just get on with it.”

“pleasure to see you again too,” lucius said, as though they were just having a nice little chat. regulus knew better. “you are a black, are you not?”

and regulus knew what he meant. _you’re not like your brother, are you? you haven’t left your entire family behind and brought shame to their name?_ “depends who’s asking,” he said. he was determined not to give lucius what he wanted, determined to show no discernable reaction.

“i see,” lucius nodded, closing his eyes for a moment. when he opened them again, they were more stern, more serious. “i come here on business for the dark lord, regulus.”

regulus’s chest tightened at these words, as everything fell into place. so that was what he’d wanted out of him. and regulus had to oblige, because he was a black, because that was everything they stood for, right? and it was his duty to see this war through to the end, regardless of his own opinion.

“what does he want with me?” regulus said, putting his hands behind his back so that lucius couldn’t see his shaking. 

“i figured you’d know,” lucius said, as though it were obvious. but when regulus didn’t reply, he spoke again. “i've already visited you on the subject once. he’s surprised that you haven’t seeked him out yourself yet, so he’s sent me to talk to you. regulus, we know your beliefs, know where your values and loyalties lie. it’s no secret that you’re a young, talented wizard - we could use someone like you on our side.”

_no._ regulus had to fight every single urge to run away, to find james and to fall into his arms and to never think about anything else again. _no, no, no_. he knew the day would come where he’d have to face this - he just wish he’d had more time. “so that’s why you’re here,” he said. “to recruit me.”

“that much was obvious, yes,” lucius said with impatience. “it’s merely an offer,” he continued, and regulus’s own heartbeat was ringing in his ears. “that he would like you to consider.”

and then he turned around to leave, and all regulus could do was stare. this couldn’t be happening. not to him, not when he was so young. from the doorway, lucius said three last words. 

“think about it.”

and he was gone.

• • •

later that night, regulus sought out james. he’d found him on the third floor, and had dragged him into the nearest classroom, slamming and locking the door behind them. he kissed james in a way he never had before, fierce and full of anger and hatred towards everything else except him. he wanted to forget it all, to escape from the hell he was stuck in, and so he let james do whatever he wanted to him, relishing in the moment.

after it was done, regulus was still angry - but at least he had james by his side now. he didn’t tell james about what had happened, but at least he had been happy to do anything regulus wanted. they sat on top of one of the desks together in silence, james mindlessly tapping his fingers against regulus’s bare chest.

after a while, james finally broke the silence. “you can’t keep doing this, you know.”

and all regulus felt was confusion. “doing what?” he said, and it took everything in him not to snap. why couldn’t james ever just bloody say what he meant?

but james turned his head in response, unable to look regulus in the eye. “nothing.”

and that was that.

• • •

it was all going to be over soon.

neither james or regulus had to say those words out loud to know that it was true.

their love had been something memorable, something special, of course, but it was never meant to last. regulus had known that from their first kiss, no matter how much he had tried to deny it. and he wished he never had, he wished he’d ended it before it had started. for now, he was far too in love with james to ever let their relationship go. the very thought of it hurt too much. it was selfish of him, but he couldn’t bear the thought of everything ending. james had shown him love when regulus had never experienced it, had never learnt how to love. he taught regulus things about the world that he never would’ve considered, and he’d changed his perspective on everything. he’d come into regulus’s life when he’d had nothing, and he had given him everything. regulus couldn’t let go of him, not when he still had so much to learn and such little time.

except, he had to. he had to do it for james.

it was too late for regulus - he had been doomed to follow the course of his family ever since he was little. his life was set in stone, always had been and always would be. but james…

there was still so much james could do, so much that regulus was holding him back from. there was so much of james’s life that he had yet to live out, so much of his story that had yet to be written. and regulus didn’t fit among those chapters.

still, regulus hadn’t been prepared for the moment where everything fell apart.

“regulus, this has to end,” james said, his voice bouncing off the stones of the dungeons. and regulus’s eyes widened.

“what?” he said. he’d heard that wrong - he _had_ to. “why?” 

“because,” james replied, their eyes meeting as he gave him an apologetic smile, “it won’t work. you’re regulus. and... i’m james.” regulus had said those words to him once, a long time ago. his hands curled up into fists, and all he could feel was anger. james had no right to say that, had _no right_ to be smiling.

“don’t say that.”

“reg, look-”

and reg was screaming once again. “no, james! i’m not going to give up on this, not now!”

but he had to. he and james both knew that, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. he’d already lost everything else, and the one thing he had was something that wasn’t his.

“listen to me,” james said, not angry or upset even though he had every right to be so. that was a first for regulus. james took regulus’s hand, and regulus pulled away from him, not wanting to feel his touch. “i don’t want it to end either. but it _has_ to.”

“why?” regulus said, despite the fact that he already knew the answer. he knew it, but couldn’t accept it. “why does it have to end?”

“look, you’re headed down a different path than me,” james said. “you always were. i hate to say that because i _know_ you’re a good person, i _know_ you don’t want it, but it’s true.”

regulus scoffed, the comment stinging him more than he cared to admit. if only he could’ve been as brave as his brother.. “so that’s it?” he said. “you’re just.. going to leave me, just like that? even after everything..” he trailed off. it hurt too much to think about all of it, to think that it had all been for nothing.

“i know, reg,” james said, and that was when regulus heard the strain in his voice, even if it was soft. _james doesn’t want this either.._ he thought. _but he’s still ending it_. “i know.”

“i don’t want it to be over,” regulus said, nearly whispering now. “not yet.”

“i don’t either… but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place, should it have?” james said, looking down at the floor. his eyes were glassy now, and he had never looked more regretful in his life. regulus hated it - it was too unlike james to see him this way. “it’s better this way.”

regulus thought otherwise, but he didn’t admit it. “yeah…” and then he paused, before finally allowing himself to say what he had always thought was the truth. “it wasn’t ever going to last, was it?”

“i should’ve known,” james said, looking him in the eyes. regulus didn’t look back - he wanted to look anywhere else, wanted to forget that this was happening. “i should’ve thought better of it. should’ve ended it before it started.” regulus knew what he was talking about, knew he was remembering the night outside of number 12 grimmauld place. and regulus agreed. it would’ve saved him a lot of pain.

“well, look where that got us,” he said. tears were forming in his own eyes now as he let himself accept the truth.

“maybe it was meant to be,” james said. “just not here, not now.”

if only everything had been different..

“maybe,” regulus agreed. james took a step towards him, and regulus stepped back. he couldn’t do this. it hurt. everything hurt.

maybe once the war was over…

but he couldn’t think about that, not when it had barely begun.

“in another lifetime, then,” james said. regulus took in a deep breath, just wanting it to be over already. 

“in another life, james,” regulus said softly, letting just one tear slip down his cheek as he lost the last good thing he’d had.

and so it was over.

and regulus knew it was time to let james go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you all enjoyed this, and happy jegulus week! thanks so much for reading <3


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